the mind tries to forget
what the body remembers
the body carries the scar
that has healed
that still remembers the pain;
pain the mind wants to forget
i woke up centered today
it was going to be a good day
it was going to be a great day
But...
melancholy descended
in the course of the day
ignoring the sadness
i got busy
in the busyness of the day
but it would
not
let
go
then tears -
one drop
two
where is this coming from?
today was supposed to be a good day
a very good day
i felt it in my bones
a choke at the throat
constriction.
thump, thump, thump
a flutter here
a heaviness there
what's going on?
i look at my planner
of course
one teardrop
two
of course
the mind wants to forget
but the body remembers
in the tears
in the throat
in the pain at the center
sixteen today
a most milestone day
and you're not here
to live it
breathe it
rejoice in it
and the body knows
for the body carries the blueprint of your being
the body that carried you straight
into the arms of a loving other -
Father, love her as i would have loved her myself
and the body remembers the pain
the pain the mind wants to forget
why?
because-
because the embryonic mind
fails to see
that to forget the pain
is to forget you
how smart the body
how intuitive
how underdeveloped the ignorant mind
the screams return to haunt
the begging to end a life
mine
one layer cut
two
three
four
a mutilation of unbearable agony
to save you
all for naught
all for naught
i am awake
Lord, i am awake
why must i bear this?
the mind disengages
snaps
it prays to die
God, if you’ve mercy, let me die
supplication goes unheeded
deserted in the hour of most need
i’ve no recourse
but to save myself
because i can’t kill myself
tethered by straps that hold me captive
in a glaring room filled with eyes
pasted on blue popsicle sticks
bright lights overhead
muffle the voices that bark anxiously in fear
torturous pain beyond what I thought possible
not subsiding
not subsiding
not subsiding
please let me go
please
i beg
i beseech
release me
then...
through the pain
past the lights and muffled voices
i remember the lives I've at home
lives that love me and would be hurt
by this cowardice desertion
this cowardice action
because I am weak
i feel small
spineless
yes
this is why my pleas went unheard
for this is not who I was born to be
a tear escapes
Forgive me
i close my eyes and pray
this time to live
sedation soon comes
drip
drip
drip
drug
but it comes
after you are born
and today
a sadness descends
reminding me of a day
that was for naught
the mind
wanting to forget
fights against the body that won’t allow,
the vessel of your life
still feels you within
in the heart; the home
because the mind wanting to let go
forgets that pain is part of you -
because without it
there is no you
in the pain
there is still remembrance
in the pain,
there is still life
the heart never forgets
nor the body
nor the mind....
Happy Birthday little M.
14 comments:
Very insightful poem. I've felt all those emotions before. They're very strong and just when I think I have them under control, I realize I'm not close.
CD
WOW! I rode this like in a sidecar, with my own (M) Mike dead, and knowing that my body will certainly conjure him every year, more, and the melancholy you speak of will have it's own legs and walk me to and fro, though the days begin as any other. An amazing poem!
totally felt this piece. I think you captured me at the "melancholy descended". Awesome.
feeling every pain-filled word ... the body does remember. I find myself teary on the anniversary of my mom's passing, sometimes without even knowing that it's THAT day. Beautifully written, evocative poem, rebecca ...
Loved it Rebecca...you have a way with words that makes people really feel what you have written.
Your writting of such deep pain, also the discovery of so much more inside had me right with you with every letter every word to evey line right to the end...
and I love your writting from your heart and soul.
Im humbled to say I can put myself in your place a few times or more for more reason than I will ever say.
xo
Beautiuflly written with so much insight.
Oh yes, sometimes the mind wants to commit suicide but it is never an option. It is only one the mind dallies with, something to let the thoughts and emotions simmer in. A beautiful tribute.
Oh wow. . . . There are no words.
(((Rebecca)))
"and the body knows,
for the body carries the blueprint of your being."
This is such a powerful line!
Your poetic voice is both lyrically sensitive and so touchingly deep!
One.
Lovely! And so sad...
*Hugs!*
I am glad you wrote this (and shared it)..thank you for your visit too..today is a good day..Jae
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for stopping by karmalizedlife recently. Just read this poem and wanted to say thank you for putting your deepest sadness into the universe so that others may walk with you, help you carry the heavy load and you in turn help them. That's what this is all about I believe.
I do hope, since this day, you have gone out and had that really great day you so deserve.
Your writing is so very moving. It is unapologetically raw and honest. That reaches the reader and makes the words so powerful.
The blue print of your being...no matter the outcome every mother knows that blue print. Lovely.
I wish you peace.
So beautiful.
That blueprint, joyful for some and, for us, sad.
I feel that every year when June comes..and goes once more.
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